Bad Monkey is a TV show that could serve as the definition of “no one asked for this.” Because truly, even the world’s most die-hard Vince Vaughan fan didn’t need to see him in a show that could be confused for a reboot of The Glades. That’s this critic’s take and she’s sticking with it!

Based on the comedic crime thrillers of Carl Hiassen, the TV adaptation fails to capture the propulsive feeling of a mystery you feel the need to devour in a single sitting – regardless of how well-written you think it actually is. At one point, near the end of Bad Monkey‘s first episode, the series’ narrator (Tom Nowicky, giving 90s A & E crime documentary vibes), tells the audience.”It feels like we’re coming to the end of our story, but it’s really just the beginning.” Oh, how true those words are, but not in the way the narrator means! This show feels like it should have been terminated after execs screened its boring pilot, but instead, they made more for reasons I cannot comprehend.

The basic premise of Bad Monkey is that Andrew Yancy (Vince Vaughan) has been kicked off Miami’s police force for publicly attacking the elderly husband of his girlfriend, Bonnie (Michelle Monaghan, who must be doing this show because she needs money and that’s okay. Everyone needs a job, girl, except for people who are as rich as Vince Vaughan, who should have just hung out on a yacht instead of making this show!).  Now working as a health inspector in The Florida Keyes, Andrew is itching to get back to detective work, the one thing he enjoys or is any good at. Luckily for Andrew, when a severed arm is discovered in the ocean,  the former cop gets pulled into a conspiracy that spans from Miami to The Bahamas.

For his part, Vince Vaughan is offering nothing new. Andrew is basically his character from Wedding Crashers if he broke up with Isla Fischer, relocated to The Florida Keys, and gave into malaise. Wise-cracking at all times, we are told by countless characters that Andrew’s fatal flaw is how he “can’t stay out of trouble.” And that’s definitely true! However, compelling characters typically have positive – or just interesting – attributes to make up for their flaws. Andrew’s most humanizing detail is that he doesn’t like it when men slap women. Alas, disapproving of violence against women is a pretty low bar!

The tropes on Bad Monkey are also as predictable and two-dimensional as a 90s TV movie. Black Widows? Check! Multiple super sexy love interests who, for some reason, don’t hate Andrew’s guts? Check!

Apart from Vince Vaughan cycling around the keys without a helmet and spouting limp one-liners, Bad Monkey has a more interesting parallel story unfolding in The Bahamas, where a young man named Neville Stafford (Ronald Peet) will try anything to save his family’s beachfront property from developers who plan on building a luxury hotel. Neville also owns the titular monkey, who, in the series’ best gag, is a trained monkey from The Pirates of The Caribbean Franchise who now refuses to do tricks. Jodie Turner-Smith also makes an appearance as The Dragon Queen, a mystical figure who has the power to ruin lives with her curses. Unfortunately, you have to slog through Andrew’s antics in Miami to get to Neville’s more watchable scenes…

Ultimately, Bad Monkey is not a good use of your time. With so many excellent shows from which to choose, there’s no reason to give such mediocrity a minute of your time.